Pick a Condom

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Sorry Ngo!

A Social Commentary

Pick a Condom
John Ekongo

SEEING that the army has now been supplied with precious tools (condoms) to keep the enemies afar, I deemed it fair that other professionals get similar protection.

If you look at it from my point of view, sex is not just practised by soldiers, but by almost everyone I can think of. So protection should be the key, I believe.

Having said that, I had to find out which other profession, besides the army, is perceived to be ‘very sexually active’. Note that I say perceived – I don’t want anyone to take me to court over the allegation.

Besides, I can’t afford a lawyer after my attempts to settle my debts via my bank with Legal Shield kept bouncing, and as a result, I am officially and permanently on the ITC credit defaulters list.

Don’t feel pity for me, I am not alone on the list. I am with a bunch of happy people some well-connected figures there. Trust me, trading places is the last thing I want to do right now.

According to my research, these groups of professionals need to have their own rubbers too.

The army – Well and good that theirs is called the Protector, no queries about this one. Well done minister, but please tell the soldiers to stop putting up kambashus all over the country – it will also help.

Teachers – It is a known fact some teachers impregnate learners, so in the interest of education I suggest a condom called the “Educator”. The name implies just that – educate don’t impregnate.

Pastors – Of late, the clergyman has also been caught in the sin in the Garden of Eden. I am informed both gender of the clergy have fallen for the viper’s temptation. So I suggest a male condom known as “Trinity” and a female one “The Redeemer”, for obvious reasons.

Male Human Resource Officers/Managers – I have heard stories about these guys demanding services in exchange for jobs. Now, to see to it that they do provide you with work in the end, I opted for the name “the Livelihood Enabler” (I do not condone this practice though).

Police – Someone suggested ‘Passop Deluxe Premier’. Reasons for premier I guess would be that the force is the ultimate protector of the nation internally. Update needed please.

Journalists – ‘Freebies’ fits well. However, not to be used when we frequent ladies of the night in the interest of a story. Pay up or ship out. You can’t live on handouts forever.

Witchdoctors/traditional healers – Heard of an inyanga from the north that undresses his patients for healing sessions? A rubber called the ‘Healer’ won’t be bad at all. That way the inyanga can transfer the spirits of the ancestor in a more robust, solid and convincing manner.

Mechanics – One mechanic suggested the name ‘Crank Shaft’. What a name!
Mshasho fans – I don’t know why you never thought of it before – ‘Shotgun’ will be appropriate. And if the Dogg adds his Mshasho trademark on it, it can easily be a bestseller. Not forgetting the guys and ladies that will brag, “I made love with the Dogg”.

GMP fans – Don’t want to be accused of not being balanced, so a rubber with “Let’s Get Together” will do. It suggests exactly that – getting together mos.
Taxis Drivers – A difficult one to come up with but let me know how “Corolla @ 7” sounds.

CEOs – Again an awkward name for a condom – ‘Bedroom Classic’. The classic part I swear I have no idea where it came from.

Auditors – Knowing what they do and how they do it, I found the name “Sheet Balancer or Balance Sheeter”, something like that.

Finally, my personal favourite, a rubber for the MPs – not necessarily Namibian MPs – ‘Point of Order’ for males and ‘Point of Correction’ for the females.

Please understand these are not entirely my own, so any summons I will simply ignore.

Other than that, please choose a condom, use it and let’s save lives. Let’s not gamble with Aids.

Sorry Ngo.

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