Sorry Ngo! – I Need a New Title

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John Ekongo

I deemed it necessary to make a survey about some job titles we have in this country and rename them because sometimes the jobs are not in line with the duties of the titleholder. At times, you will find that it rather does not exist, it’s non-compliant or sometimes we just wrongly prioritise.

In Namibia, I thought what the hell, why can’t we upgrade job titles here as well so that they fit well into the description of the work people do? It will make more sense, won’t it? Perhaps we can give nice new wording to those not-so-nice titles while we are at it.

As usual Difficult Unsolved Matters – Brilliant Solutions, thought it wise to bring you some of the jobs and titles we thought might need serious reconsideration

CEOs of parastatals, from now on should be known as Indiscriminate, Boasting and Publicity-Seeking Officers, well they boast and like the limelight – too often for the wrong reasons.

Orphans, being an orphan myself, I think should be named Independently Self-motivated Youngsters.

A borrowers – Colleague’s Wealth Acquisition Takers, that’s what they do – make you poorer by the day.

Security guards, since these fine gentlemen and ladies do such marvelous jobs, we must seriously consider naming them Theft Prevention, Surveillance and Wealth Distribution Prevention Officers. They stop you from stealing, they follow you around in shops especially if it looks like you are from Wamboe lokasie, and they are the least interested in becoming rich hence they prevent wealth distribution.

Constables in charge offices, especially Windhoek Charge Office, I have no problem if we call them Literacy Officers, the way they speak English and then wanting to teach you how to speak and write a police statement, which is not admissible in court – pathetic.

Housemaids should be Executive Domestics Operations Assistant, well I don’t have one, actually I cannot afford one but that should be what they do, I need confirmation on this one.

Shebeen owners, nothing wrong if we call them Stress Detoxification Area Specialists, you go to a shebeen, play Kasisi on the jukebox, have a Windhoek Lager and forget your wife is at home, you are stress-free. I am not making this up; it is a fact that married men are the majority of Stress Detoxification Area patrons. – Source the Stress Detoxification Area Specialist’s Community.

Civil servants – only some of them – need to be renamed Public Information Disseminator on Sales and Discounts at Shopping Malls. Ask any civil servant how many sales are on in Windhoek, I bet you that you will not be disappointed.

Police officers, teachers, defence force members and anyone who gets paid on the 20th, the new title is Cash Loan Operations Beneficiaries, apparently it has to do with the impounding of their bank cards. On the other hand, the salary is nothing to write home about – hence they are made beneficiaries of these operations.

Middle-income earners should henceforth be known as Permanently In Debt File Holders of Hire Purchase Agreements. On the other side we also have an eternal record at Credit Bureau for not settling the Edgars accounts. It is tough being a middle-income earner.

Consultants, we love them, but sometimes they tell you what you already know, so I personally feel like we should change their name to “Pretending Officers”. Believe me they think they know it all, but not always.

Nurses in hospital corridors should actually be known as Gossiping, Research and Conversation Management Consultants. Apparently your health status is not safer at their hands than your local radio airwaves.

Taxi Drivers from Windhoek, well these guys should be as known “Written of Public Automobile Propulsion Specialists”. They deserve the name in every sense, their cars are not registered and break down en route most of the time. They have mastered the propulsion of the car better than anybody else.

Gardeners, someone once told me to call these good people Landscape Architect and Ground Image Engineers. It attaches importance to the job.

Those in politics, given the nature of operation we can call them Namlish Efficiency Promoters, thanks largely to this group, our language is recognised across the world.

Couples in relationship should be known as Gender Equality Practising Exercise (GEPE) – no idea what this means but sure sounds exotic.

The unemployed – Namibia does not believe in this term, but we have what we call Employee Without Portfolio.

This is just the few we can think of now, perhaps later when our review is done we will draft a complete list. If you are not in any of the categories please apply for a renaming and reconsideration exercise immediately. We shall gladly assist.

Sorry Ngo.

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