Rehoboth’s Tokolosh

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Neville Basson On behalf of Namibia I would just like to say … aaii … this is so difficult … I … I …would jut like to send out our heartfelt condolences to the fellow comrades … sniff …of … aai man … uh … PW Botha! Thank you for all you have done for South West Africa! If it were not for you Tate Kulu would not have been as tough as he has been for over 40 years fighting you. It was a bit unfair though to fight us with a gun in one hand and a bottle of Mellow Wood in the other one. May your soul unrest in eternal peace … boo … hoo … hoo! I was in X!anes last week, that is now Rehoboth for all you people who have been in exile. I just love to go to Rehoboth. It is the only place left that I can actually feel like a ”kamma celebrity ”! I can’t keep my body Mr Celebrity in Katutura because that’s where I grew up. How can you now come and act’ Hollywood in front of people that grew up with you, who know what you did with that girl in standard 4 in that old car at the rubbish dump site just across your house? Nee my broer … there they tell me 1,2,3, …jy moenie dink jy’s wie nie…f*&k jou Neville! Gee 5 rand daarso. So that’s why I rather go to the towns outside Windhoek ”om bietjie punte op te tel”! Me and Laz had a show there last week and all the Baster aunties came in their numbers to offer their daughters to us! Baster Auntie: ”Ja nee Neville, voor onafhanklikheid was julle mos Bangmaakgoed … nou is julle saamslaapgoed!” If you don’t understand what this means ask the colored guy sitting next to you who’s busy reading the Republikein! Now … there’s a story doing the rounds in Rehoboth that there’s ”kammastag” a tokolosh who runs around playing debt collector! I asked the people what’s this whole story all about. Ou Dap: ”Nee Neville, we allowed mos these Zimbabwean people to come to Rehoboth to come and sell their stuff here. Now as you know … ons hou mos van skuld maak (buying on credit) so some ousies here are not paying their accounts to the women on time. “Some of them run to Lake Oanob if they know these Zimbabweans are on their way to their houses. Now these Zimbabwean women are quite ‘gatvol’ now running after these people. So they hired a tokolosh from Harare to play Mr Debt collector here in X!anes!” (Please … if you read this and you don’t know what is a bloody tokolosh … never mind.) This tokolosh is apparently doing quite a job recovering all this money from these women who take mats , paintings, etc. on credit from these Zimbabwean women! I feel really sorry for these Baster aunties who are being harassed by this ”thing”! But I think it’s time that the Basters strike back! Here are a few things all Baster zallies can do now to deal with this tokolosh! Go to Gobabis as soon as possible! The ju-ju in Gobs is the strongest in Namibia! Create your own tokolosh with an authentic Baster name … like Wikkie or something. I can imagine, that the Zimbabwean tokolosh’s name must be Innocent! Every Baster I know keeps on starting his sentence with ”dis ons se Rehoboth die!” Now how can you say that if some Robert Mugabe-looking tokolosh is scaring the hell out of you! Basters are well-renowned in the building industry so the men have money all the time. Ask for a ”sub” from your boss this afternoon and please go and settle your account with Innocent immediately! Leave the Baster Rum (Rooiwyn) just for this weekend, being sober will help to know if it’s your mother-in-law or in fact Innocent who is standing at the gate at 23h00 at night! Please follow some of these rules so that we could sort out this issue once and for all. If all this fails, contact Danger Ashipala! Mbye, mbye!