The Blerrie Tiles

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Neville Basson You know, I am sitting here with quite mixed feelings today after hearing of the departure of our beloved Siamese twins. I think like a lot of people I am not so sure whether or not I should be sad or relieved that God decided to take them home, sparing them, or one of them, the possible discomfort that they would have grown up with. May God bless them where they are right now … just make sure there’s a place reserved for me when “Die Grootman” calls on me please! Rest in peace, Namibian angels. My baby boy ran out of milk recently and I quickly had to rush down to the nearest retailer in order to buy the guy something before he kicks me out of his house! It’s hard enough dealing with him at 2 in the morning, hitting you with an empty bottle across the head complaining about bad service! The nearest place that I could quickly run to happened to be Pick ‘n Pay. Ja nee, I guess you should know by now what I will be saying! Maar nou ja, I did mos not know, okay? I ran from my car straight on to the tiles and yes … there I went ice-skating my way up to the till of Pick ‘n Pay! I mean, I could never understand why everybody was walking so slowly down the aisle. I asked one of the store managers: “En nou? Are you people crazy? I almost broke my neck coming down here just to buy my little monster at home some milk! Are you guys really serious about these bloody tiles outside, huh?” Manager: “Nee wat my maat, I don’t know which ‘poep’ol’ of an architect decided on this tile, okay! I am losing blerrie customers everyday. These people are constantly telling me they will be going to Shoprite from now on to shop, kan jy did nou f&*kken glo huh?” I said: “But tell me now, did these guys not change their mind the first time around they saw people shuffling their way to your store?” Manager: “Nee wat, hulle is te slim hier rond! We kept on telling them that these tiles will just not be doing it but they just don’t seem to understand a bloody word we are saying! I just might go and look for a bloody job at Shoprite now myself!” I was just standing there wondering why these architects put these tiles in the mall in the first place. I came up with quite “valid” Katutura reasons why I think they did it. You see, it’s your problem if you don’t agree with me but I consulted my ancestors before I came up with this conclusion! These tiles are there to make sure you walk so slowly that you are forced to look at every shop in that arcade. Gone are the days that you just walked to Pick ‘n Pay! You have to slow down now, look at the biltong shop, the shoe shop, the bank, the other bank … bla, bla, bla! It’s also to make sure that no loitering from Ou Zoks (from Katutura) en Ou Rooi (Khomasdal) will take place. As drunk as they come from the townships they will not be able to glide their way to Pick ‘n Pay! Good thing for them the taxi rank is so close! It’s also there to make sure that purse snatchers don’t get very far … unless you are wearing Allstars tekkies! Yes people, I figured it out! Please let me know if you have any more silly reasons to go with those silly tiles! Mbye mbye!