So, who’s on the bench?

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Neville Basson Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s official! Me and Tate Kulu are the ONLY two people in this country who can say what they feel like saying … and nothing will come of it! All you chat show reactionary callers can just shut up now. Comrade Mwala is keeping all of you on a leash, so all the best the next time you try to call on all these issues – whatever these issues might be, you know. Ja nee, it’s that time of the month again to pay your accounts! You know, this is one of the things that one wished that you never got into in the first place, but as the Nigerians say: “Wa ka you do?” It’s mos very lekker to run in every bloody clothing store that opened in Maerua Mall … maar nee, when these white people are looking for their money, I am just nowhere to be found. I have to just sit back and decide once and for all in order not to feel too guilty about not paying all my accounts on a monthly basis – I will be rotating the payments like the Brave Warriors squad members! If I feel for some reason or other that I should/would/can’t/don’t wanna pay that specific account for the month I just “bench” it … finish en klaar! As a person you “kamma” don’t like accounts and people calling. I have worked out a strategy for all you people out there to follow to make sure these people don’t get hold of you before the 7th of this month. You see, for some of us these things work – for some of us they don’t, okay? But I am sure if you follow these Katutura guerrilla tactics you could apply them successfully in Kleine Kuppe! Yes, we are not fooled; we know there are some of you white people out there who don’t pay your Edgars account on time! So people … here we go! Please make sure that you memorize all the telephone numbers of your biggest creditor headaches so you know their numbers when they call you on your mobile. Always whisper to them over the phone if they catch you off-guard by telling them: “I am in a meeting!” Don’t answer any calls indicating private number on your screen, it just might be the bank looking for you! Edgars: Don’t pay this one this month … you never liked the voice of that woman who called you last month. Tell yourself she was rude to you so put them on the bench this month! Stannic: Okay, maybe you need to pay this one … the embarrassment of taking a taxi to Olympia after they re-possess your vehicle is really not a joke. After all how would you as a white man look in a Katutura taxi! Windhoek Municipality: Okay, lets’ negotiate here! You are already 120 days in arrears so rather pay half of the invoice. It’s really difficult to be using cold water and candles this time of the year! NB: You know, how my mother raised me without electricity, I don’t know how I will be able to make it without electricity today! School fees: Go and complain to the Ministry of Education that Swapo said “Education is free” in 1989 during their election campaign. So your child has a right to free education – at a private school! Shebeen account: Aai you don’t have to pay this one. Just go and report them at the City Police, they come and close up the place, you move to another shebeen! Cash loans: Aag! This one is so easy! There is mos no way that you will be able to pay back over 40 percent on top of what you borrowed! Simply move your bank account to the next one down the street! So, they are definitely benched like Congo Hindjou! Follow these steps my people and you will soon realize that the chances of George Bush catching Osama Bin Laden is easer than for Standard Bank to get hold of you! Sorry, my cell phone is ringing. Uuh.umm – h.h.h.hallo?