Excuses! Excuses!

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MOTJAVI NEVILLE BASSON Finally! The World cup starts tonight! No more “When you are mine” for a month. My white friends who don’t understand football will be frustrated for the entire month! Dankie tog, I’m tired to listen to all their Stormers, Sharks, Bulls bullsh&*t! Ja nee, I saw mos on the news that Meme Pohamba went to see Brangelina during the week. I was very proud to see our First Lady kicking it with two of the biggest Hollywood stars this country has ever seen! Now you see there is just one thing that bothers me now the whole week. As I told you last week I went to ‘Swakkies’ to go and see if I could somehow get to take these baby pictures that would eventually make me so rich that I could fire my boss. Maar nee, some comrade obviously got the tender before me! Maar jy sien, I am not gonna take this lying down … this so-called visit that Meme Pohamba had with Brangelina is just too suspect for me. There is still no evidence as to which newspaper or sleazy tabloid in the USA got the exclusive rights to have these pictures published. I am just afraid that comrade Pohamba made some secret business deal with Brangelina. As you know by now know, those baby pictures would make anybody in Namibia richer than Harry Simon, so whether you are a President of a country or not, you would make a deal to get those pictures. You see people, we must not be fooled by comrade Pohamba. I know, if Comrade Pohamba comes up with a story like he wants to retire … we will know that he in fact scored big with those baby pictures. I am in actual fact just waiting for that breaking news that Comrade Pohamba is retiring with immediate effect. We all love our dearest President and it would really be a shame if he would vacate the chair now. In one years’ time, he really wanggled his way into most of our hearts …. even white people talk with praise about Comrade Pohamba. “Ja nee Neville … daai is nou ‘n blerrie President daai! Met hom wil ek enige dag biltong eet!” These are all very emotional statements for me to bear okay? But as I said, I don’t trust Comrade Pohamba now, ever since Meme went to see Brangelina in Swakkies. If they got that money for those pictures it’s over! Next President? Comrade Kapia! Lets look at a letter with a few excuses that Comrade Pohamba will come up with. “Fellow compatriots, it is with a heavy heart as President of Namibia that I announce my retirement as President of Namibia with immediate effect. As you all know my heart has always been within the Agriculture Industry. I hardly have time as President of this country to go home to see my cattle on a regular basis. I can’t afford to miss another auction in Okakarara, so I have to retire now. To add to some of my reasons, I can’t move around town as an ordinary citizen like I used to. My dear wife feels that it has been months since we shopped at Pick & Pay without any guards carrying our groceries, as President I don’t have these privileges anymore. As President of a country you have to attend a lot of functions – dinners etc. During a state visit to Otjinene to break up a Herero/Mbanderu fight, I developed a gout problem that I can’t seem to get rid of. My doctor ordered that I need to stay home and resort to a diet of vetkoekies and Cauchuchu. As a regular visitor to the Dutch Reformed Church in Hochlandpark, I have honorary membership now with the Boer church. For the sake of harmony with the Boers I have to go to this church every Sunday. On numerous occasions I asked our Founding Father, Comrade Nujoma, to stand in for me at this church services, but he refuses to go … as a lifelong, friend I still don’t know why he does not want to go there. I would also like to expand the base of the Swapo Party now aggressively in Hollywood. The Swapo central committee unanimously agreed that I would be the best representative to increase our membership there. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is already a member of Swapo as we speak. So, it’s with a heavy heart that I, Comrade Hifikepunye Pohamba, here tender my resignation as President of Namibia. God bless you ….Viva Brangelina … aai ..sorry I mean Swapo! Please people, if you see any letter of this nature just know that Comrade Pohamba must be N$40 million richer! Mbye mbye.