Afrikaans my taal!

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Neville Basson Atta-taa! You see, now Paulus Kapia and The Dogg can do a duet together with the same rendition and lyrics as “The Dogg is back!” They can even include The Dogg’s lyrics that say: “I don’t work for the government!” Watch the press for details on that one, okay? I bumped into one of my normally grumpy old white comrades the other day. You see, I don’t understand why old white men always look so angry. I keep on asking them if this has to do with Sam Nujoma taking over the country 16 years ago or what? It stuns me how angry and frustrated they look all the time and Van Schalkwyk does not seem to be an exception. Van Schalkwyk: “Luister Neville, laat ek nou vir jou sÃÆ’Æ‘Æ‘ÃÆ”šÃ‚ª, this blerrie Burgersake in Kaiser street is useless!” I said: “Ho-hoo, stadig, I believe you mean Home Affairs? Look here Schalky, this country has been independent now for 16 years, okay? If you can’t move with the times please move to Ventersdorp where you come from. And by the way, it is not Kaiser street any more, it’s called In-dep-en-dence-av-en-ue!” Van Schalkwyk: “Ja nee, ek hoor jou – but those blerrie people at Home Affairs can’t speak ‘Ingils’ (English) man! Dit maak my so die mo^&r in man! They are so blerrie slow then they still try to speak Brits with you. Nee man, ek is skoon gatvol for this blerrie country!” I said: “Okay, Schalky if you say these people, which is obviously black people, can’t speak English, how do you understand them?” He said: “Nee man, they just keep on eeeehh-eeehhh-eeeehhh all the time!” I said: “You know Schalk, you white people keep on saying that we blacks can’t speak English but if I have to listen to some of the English that some of you Gobabis boere speak, then I would also be ashamed to open my mouth. The reason you perhaps don’t understand us is because of our accents. “But there is nothing wrong with our vocabulary, it’s just that you people must listen carefully when we talk. You forced Afrikaans on us for years, even I had to carry a big green book in matric (Grade 12) titled Afrikaans my taal!” He said: “Ja nee, and we did a blerrie good job on you too!” I said: “You see, you white people claim that you know English better than us, but let me give you an idea of how crazy you boere interpret English. Just check out these few boere quotes – quite laughable: ‘Time is few, we have to went!’ This means time is limited we have to go, okay? ‘Frontspeed for the new year my maat.’ That means good luck for the New Year in Gobabis terminology. ‘I am on viagra now since I had bird flu.’ Aranos terminology for impotence – or ‘voelgriep’ as they call it. ‘Come to I.’ this means actually come to me. ‘Women cannot go in a blerrie cockpit.’ This one is quite famous to show how ridiculous a boer’s reasoning can become on a plane. ‘We are selling bull tongue here.’ Gert actually wants to tell you that they are selling biltong. Funny enough, I thought they invented this!” So there you have it. To all my fellow boeremaatjies, stop believing that we can’t speak English properly. Tune in to chat show every morning between 09h00 and 10h00 for proper comrade English. Mbye Mbye!