Neville Basson Listen, please, I am tired of people still wishing me “Happy New Year”, okay? It’s bloody February already. Especially all my white, non-English speaking Boer friends. Their constant “Hi Neville…front speed… voorspoed) for the New Year. Stop it, okay – makes me sick! I was sitting at my mother’s mansion the other day in the heart of Katutura. Well uh…in Katutura terms, it is a mansion, okay? It’s got running water! We were sitting there just chatting about “ditjies and datjies”. Everybody was sitting there watching this new soapy on NBC called “When you are mine”. Now you see, there’s nothing that I can do to get rid of soapies since the NBC is completely hell-bent on showing these things. The only reason I tolerate it is because it gives my mother peace of mind for half and hour every night. One of the visitors at my mother’s house started complaining heavily about the conduct of a certain Diego in the soapy. She said: “Nee, nee, nee what is Diego’s problem, huh? Why can’t he just leave Boloma alone and be happy with his wife?” “He married Bernice and he must be happy with her, finish en klaar! Besides, I am sick and tired of men who can’t keep contain their “willies”. Why does he want his bread buttered both sides, huh?” Men are just dogs in general. They just can’t seem to stop sleeping around! Statistics show that you just cannot trust a man! Men have been sleeping around now for over hundreds of years and this must stop – sowaar!” Now you see, this woman just begged to be proved wrong. I said: “Uhh, askies tog, sorry Ousie, but just tell me one thing. Yes I admit men do sleep around; but the question is who do we sleep with?” She became even more defensive: “What the hell do you mean by that?” I said: “Nee Ousie, just answer the question, okay? When we sleep around, who do we sleep with, other men?” She said: “No! You normally sleep with women, but uhh, you see, uhh it’s not actually real women that you are sleeping with.” I said: “What do you mean it’s not real women? Is it inflatable dolls that we buy at a sex shop or what?” She was completely cornered now. “Nee, I know it’s not dolls, okay? It’s women you are sleeping with.” I said: “Well, there you have it my dear! When men go out to fornicate, they go and do it with women (well, in most cases). So, that means that men can’t be held responsible alone. Women are jointly responsible for lying and cheating their partners.” She said: “Ja, but we are not as bad as you people. Sometimes women do it, but not all the time.” I said: “Well then men also do it just sometimes because we can’t do it without women now can we, huh? A hand needs a glove, a vehicle needs petrol, Sam Nujoma needs Swapo, etc. The one cannot function without the other one. So that stupid, feminist ideology that it is only men who sleep around must stop immediately!” This was where one of my cousins jumped in. “Ja it’s true! Women have caused havoc whenever they are unfaithful! Governments tumbled in history whenever women decided to ‘get jiggy wit’ it!” Cleopatra almost destroyed the Roman Empire when she had a kamborroto. Helen of Troy caused one of the biggest wars on earth when she ran away with her kamborroto. Chiluba’s ex-wife had a kamborroto, princess Diana had a kamborroto. You see Neville, we can go on and on.” I somehow felt relieved that someone finally set the record straight. So guys, the next time a woman tells you we are dogs, ask her whether she knows who was Samson’s wife in the bible. Mbye mbye.
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