To Zallie Johnson!

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Neville Basson Asseblief tog people, could somebody please go and speak to Saddam in Iraq? Just tell him to stop being so “hardegat” with these Americans. I know he is sitting there in his jail cell pushing the price of oil up with a little remote control. It is just ridiculous what we have to be paying for “petror” these days, man. Things are already bad financially as it is, this time of the month. Okay, all you comrades who have been in exile would probably not know what the word “zallie” means! Any “remainees” like us should know what the word means, if you don’t … sies tog! I bumped into a very disgruntled friend of mine the other day. I asked him: “Etse Johnny, if your face looks like this now, huh?” Johnny: “Nee man Neville, have you seen this nonsense going on in Liberia?” I said: “What nonsense?” Johnny: “Okay Neville, don’t try and play stupid okay, didn’t you hear that the country is run by a ‘Zallietjie’ now?” I said: “Oh that, but what’s wrong with a woman running a country, huh?” Johnny: “Nee, nee, nee! In an African country that is just totally unheard of!” I said: “You know Johnny our Zallies (mothers) have been running households single-handedly now for centuries – cooking, cleaning, running the household minimum wage budget, while our fathers were out there breaking records on who can have the most ‘kamborrotos’! So maybe, just maybe, a change like this would let Uncle Bob see that it is really time for him to retire now, don’t you think?” Johnny: “I hear you Neville, but how is it possible that this Zallie, Johnson-Sirleaf can become the first woman president. Not even America is ready for a woman president! Hillary Clinton is probably kicking herself this moment thinking she could have been the one!” Johnny: “I’ll tell you Neville what will start happening now since this woman is in power. She will start doing all her shopping in London from now on. She would be flying to England but would be in transit in Johannesburg! She will make George Weah (her closest rival) the coach of the under-18 Liberian team instead of giving him at least the position of Minister of Sport! Let’s try and keep her away from Meme Kovambo and Meme Pohamba, she might just give these ladies some ideas that Tate Kulu will not be very happy with, okay? “All men at the maintenance courts will be suffering heavily now since this Zallietjie will really take them to task. Our military budget will be cut in half to make provision for a bigger budget for the Ministry of Women’s Affairs. What affairs, huh? “Liberian women will start controlling their men now, and there is nothing that they could do about it anyway. These women will just run to ‘head office’.” Johnny: “Neville, I am telling you now, power means nothing without control and women do not have the capacity to control so much. Look at me. Ever since I lost my job, my wife is just giving me problems – just because I am having a few drinks at the shebeen – with a couple of women that I really don’t know.” I just looked at Johnny, thinking that as hard as it was for our oppressors to accept a black man from Okahao to be this country’s president, it must probably be difficult for men to accept a woman president. Nevertheless … gulp … gulp, congratulations “Zallie Johnson”! Mbye mbye.

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