You Gotta Be Careful

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Neville Basson Okay, you Namibians really shocked me last week at the NBC/Sanlam Music Awards! For many years, I have always believed that Namibia does not have a celebrity culture whatsoever. For the first time in this country, I had the opportunity to witness a glitter ball with my own eyes. People from Katutura looked like they could have been from New York or something! The event was quite well organised and congratz to all winners. Gazza and The Dogg, please guys, don’t let a little statue come between the two of you, okay? I could hear all the “skindertonge” after the overall winner was announced. You see! That’s why I will refuse to take part in a “Best Comedian of the Year” award competition with Lazarus! People, if you hear him talk nonsense about me please let me know… I have been looking for an excuse to beat up the “Wamboetjie” now for years! Okay, enough warra-warraing. I was driving in my car the other day with a colleague of mine who happens to be a woman. Well, uh, she looked very nervous as she was sitting next to me. I kept on asking her. “Okay, what seems to be the problem, huh? You don’t wanna be seen sitting next to me in my car or what?” She said: “Nee, Neville. I am just scared what your woman would be thinking if she sees me sitting on the seat that she is supposed to be sitting on. And you know mos the gossiping going on here in Windhoek!” I said: “Okay, let me make one thing clear to you now, okay? I am at a stage of my life that I am quite fed up about whatever people out there are saying about me or my family, okay? Do you really think I care what people would say if you are sitting next to me in this car, huh?” She said: “Ja Neville, I understand but, I mean, for me also. I would never ever accept that another woman is sitting on the seat that I am supposed to be sitting, okay?” I said: “Huh? Stadig nou – are you serious with that?” She said: “Ja nee, in this town you must stand by your man, or your man won’t stand by you! We can only trust you men as far as we can see you! There is not a man in this town that would not want to have a little something on the side if he could, and please Neville save the ‘I don’t do that’ story for your little sister because I have heard about you and Lazarus, okay?” I said: “Well uhh … you see I have a policy in life that says, it’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove!” I was just sitting there realising for the first time how naÃÆ’Æ‘Æ‘ÃÆ”šÃ‚¯ve I have been all these years. Guys, please, here is a few tips if you drive with your kamborroto through Independence avenue: First of all, you must be stupid enough to be driving with her through Independence avenue for everybody to see! Ask her if she can get in the boot of the car. Promise her that you will air-condition the boot as soon as you get your cheque from “Inkomste”. Keep on asking her to pick up something that you dropped under your seat, that way her face will always be too obscured for anybody outside to see her! Ask your kamborroto if she’s not tired; kick back the back support of her seat so she could kammastag lie down while you are driving. Tint your windows like a real “gomcha” – people will constantly get confused who is really in the car! Change your number plates. Well guys, if all else fails, take a Katutura taxi! NB: Please note that these are extracts from a feasibility study that was done by a group of researchers from Nama lokasie. Ou Zoks will not be held accountable if you lose your windscreen in the next five minutes. Mbye mbye.

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