Tate Kulu of the Nation

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Neville Basson I hope all of you this week remembered everyone in this world who is suffering from HIV. All of us are affected by this dreaded disease one way or another, so please show your support and sense of abstinence during this ”high season” of HIV infection, okay? I don’t think during the time of Jesus, they ever thought that leprosy could be cured. So let’s keep our faith and stay strong, God will beat this disease some way or the other, just hurry up now, okay? Sooo! It’s official! To all the white people out there who thought that your father’s name was Johannes De Wet – well, I’m sorry it has just been confirmed that your real father is none other than the one and only 100 percent unleaded Sam Shafishuna Nujoma! Ja! I am tired of you whites who think your fathers are coming all the way from Holland or Belgium. Jan Van Riebeeck is not your grandfather, okay? For the first time this year since the devastating investigation into the Avid investment I can look my white friends in the eye again and make fun of them for a change! The title “Father of the Nation” has finally been bestowed on Tate Kulu and there is nothing that all you National Chat Show callers can do about that now, okay? Suffer in silence, finish en klaar! I bumped into one of my white friends during the week. I felt like a little kid who could not wait to throw some mud in Henk’s face! I said: “So Henk! It’s confirmed now, Tate Kulu is your father! Is there anything that you have to say about that, huh?” Henk: “Ja nee Neville, julle het dit mos nou weer gefo*&(kken doen! You blerrie people just implement laws in this country and you expect that everyone must fall in with that, huh? Dis mos nou sommer k&*&k daai man!” I said: “Henk, stop thinking like a bloody Aranos Boer, okay. “With Sam Nujoma as your father, there can only be a lot of good in your life as from now.” Henk: “Luister Neville, what must Paul Kruger, Andries Pretorius, Oom Jannie Smuts and all my forefathers think if they find out that a blerrie kaff… well uhm, I mean black man from Okahao is actually my father, huh? “Dis mos sommer skoon strond man!” I said: “Okay Henk, sit back and let me give you a few benefits that you will receive from your black father, okay. In fact you are his son. You see, in our culture, the men take care of their boys properly. With Tate Kulu as your father, you will spend endless hours where he will be teaching you how we defeated the Boers at Omugulugombashe! Ja, you will finally hear the truth that you whites did not win the war, we did! “By having Tate Kulu as your father, you can happily spend Christmas at Okahao instead of bloody Gobabis. “You will also have the benefit of going with your father to Terrace Bay where you can fish for Orange Ruffy since we black people taught you how to catch Orange Ruffy! “You will never be able to see State House if you are the son of Jan Van Riebeeck, okay? With Tate Kulu, you can go visit Tate Pohamba over weekends. You will be like a little boy running through the corridors of State House! “With your father’s pension you can also go to any bank, they give you a loan anytime because your father has got enough collateral for business.” So please, all you people out there opposing the father of the nation, think first of all the benefits. As a black man who was not raised by my biological father anyway, this sounds like a good option to have Tate Kulu as my father. Please pick up application forms from me if you want to register as a child. Mbye mbye.